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jrj-mama Champion Author Denver Posts:17,489 Points:2,690,175 Joined:Apr 2004	Message Posted: Apr 20, 2005 5:37:12 PM Ignore jrj-mama Report Abuse Subject: A Seder Story Perhaps As Moses was leading the children of Israel through thru parted walls of the Red Sea, some of the children complained of thirst after walking so far. Unfortunately, they weren't able to drink from the walls of salt water on each side of them. Then a fish from the wall of water stuck his head out and spoke to Moses. He told him his family had heard the children's complaint, and that they could, thru their own gills, remove the salt from their water, and then force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from! But, said the fish, before his family began to help, they had one demand. They wanted to be a part of history, and wanted to always be apart of the Seder meal to commemorate the Exodus. Moses readily agreed to this, and gave them their name which remains to this very day. He said to them ... "Go, Filter Fish

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Message Posted: Apr 20, 2005 5:37:12 PM

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Subject: A Seder Story Perhaps As Moses was leading the children of Israel through thru parted walls of
the Red Sea, some of the children complained of thirst after walking so
far. Unfortunately, they weren't able to drink from the walls of salt
water on each side of them.

Then a fish from the wall of water stuck his head out and spoke to
Moses. He told him his family had heard the children's complaint, and
that they could, thru their own gills, remove the salt from their water,
and then force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for
the Israelites to drink from!

But, said the fish, before his family began to help, they had one
demand. They wanted to be a part of history, and wanted to always be
apart of the Seder meal to commemorate the Exodus.

Moses readily agreed to this, and gave them their name which remains to
this very day. He said to them ... "Go, Filter Fish

REPLIES (newest first)Ignore Short Messages

jrj-mama Champion Author Denver Posts:17,489 Points:2,690,175 Joined:Apr 2004	Message Posted: Apr 4, 2006 12:07:48 AM Ignore jrj-mama Report Abuse LOL, what a gem!
diva katan Champion Author Dallas Posts:22,325 Points:3,186,155 Joined:Jun 2004	Message Posted: Apr 3, 2006 11:10:40 PM Ignore diva katan Report Abuse THE CONVERT Shmulik, a religious Jew as well as a financial genius, left Brooklyn for a job as CFO of a well known brokerage firm in Utah (which is known as the Mormon state). The pressure on the company president from the directors was immense: "We can't have a Jew running the business - we're religious Mormons here," they said. The president took Shmulik aside for a talk and explained unequivocally that he would have to convert if he wanted to hold on to his honorable (not to mention 6-figure-earning) position. Shmulik had no choice. However difficult it might be to convert, it was less difficult than losing this great job. He went home and told his wife, "It's simple. From this Sunday on we'll be going to church with the kids". So passed a good few months, but his wife wouldn't stop nagging him, saying, "It's so difficult for me, I miss Sabbath, lighting candles, kiddush, festivals...you know money isn't everything, Shmulik" The more she nagged him, the more Shmulik's conscience bothered him too. Finally, he'd had enough. He went back to the president of the company and said "Listen, I can't go on like this, my guilt is eating me up inside. Money isn't everything. I can't even sleep at night, and neither can my wife. It's too much for me - I was born a Jew, and I want to die a Jew. If you want me to quit, I'll leave without making a fuss." The president looked at him in amazement and said "Listen Samuel, [that's what they called him in Utah], I had no idea it was so tough for you. I figured changing religions would be a simple thing. You've been a great asset to the company. We need you here. Stay Jewish as you wish. Don't worry, I'll take care of the rest". Shmulik went home with a thrill in his heart and a spring in his step. He ran to his wife (who was on the couch watching Ricki Lake) and said "Tzipporah, you won't believe it, a miracle happened! We're going back to being Jews, and it's OK! I talked to my boss and he's letting me keep my job!" Tzippy (that's what they called her in Brooklyn) looked at him with eyes spitting fire and said "Tell me, ARE YOU NUTS!!!!! Shmuel looked at her in shock. But...but I thought that was what you wanted all along, what you were crying to me about day and night. What? You don't want to go back to being Jewish?" Tzippy looked even more upset and said "Of course I do - BUT NOW?!?!?! TWO WEEKS BEFORE PESACH?!?!?!?"
AC-302 Champion Author Los Angeles Posts:26,541 Points:2,898,095 Joined:Aug 2004	Message Posted: Apr 2, 2006 10:29:55 PM Ignore AC-302 Report Abuse I'm surprised no one has mentioned the need for dynamite at this Passover season. You know, to help get all that matzah to digest!!
mrjames1818 Champion Author New Jersey Posts:1,530 Points:1,995,170 Joined:Mar 2004	Message Posted: Mar 29, 2006 8:42:42 AM Ignore mrjames1818 Report Abuse With Purim gone can Pesach be far behind? This years version of Matzo Man can be found at: http://www.americancomedynetwork.com/FLASH/matzo_man.htm
jrj-mama Champion Author Denver Posts:17,489 Points:2,690,175 Joined:Apr 2004	Message Posted: Mar 13, 2006 6:07:03 PM Ignore jrj-mama Report Abuse Four score and thousands of years ago, there was a king named Achashveirosh and he was up for re-election. As part of his campaign trail, the good king threw a party inviting everyone from the United 127 States of Persia. Queen Vashti, out promoting her new book, could not attend her husband's banquet and citing irreconcilable differences, the king had her killed. A new first lady needed to be found, so Achashveirosh held a beauty pageant. After months of tireless desperation, the king, being the shallow and superficial man that he was, finally fell in love with a beautiful young lady named Esther, who was not all unpleasant to look at. After their lawyers drew up a pre-nuptial agreement, Achashveirosh held a large banquet on his yacht to celebrate his new-found queen. Meanwhile, two furloughed federal employees were planning an assassination attempt. A good Samaritan by the name of Mordy Chai overheard their plans and made public their plot. This attempted political coup, known in the Persian Press as Palacegate, gained Mordy Chai favor in the eyes of the king. After years of legal deliberation, the two assassins were found guilty, and since the jury was not hung, the assassins were instead. Back at the palace, one of the king's top aides, known simply as Haman, had a few ideas of his own. Since Haman was raised in a poor neighborhood, lacking sufficient resources and was left to purge on government subsidies, he was brought up in the arms of discrimination, and was educationally-challenged. Haman wanted to annihilate part of the population, calculating that this would be an easy way to get rid of the citizens who were not going to vote for Achashveirosh, and that this ethnic cleansing would boost Achashveirosh in the polls. In order to pick a day for the mass killings, Haman set up Lotto Shushan, another wonderful government institution. The citizens who were going to be killed tied ribbons of amnesty around home-made torches and held an all-night vigil in front of the king's palace while singing songs of peace and solidarity. Although they did not attract the king's attention, the press corp fed on the situation, smacking cover stories on all the media outlets including daytime talk shows, practically turning the city of Shushan into a three-ring media circus. Mordy Chai went to the first lady and implored her to take action, reminding her that they shared an intimate relationship unbeknownst to the king. Distressed by the situation and unable to fit into her new gown, Queen Esther fasted for three days. Much to the dismay of Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig, the queen had a diet plan of her own.Esther was terrified to go before the king who was engrossed in very important matters of state - the remaining five minutes of the Army-Navy football game. After pulling away the remote from her dear husband, Esther invited him and his buddies to a gala banquet to be held the next evening. All three major networks bid to broadcast the party, but in the end the Persian Broadcasting System (PBS) got to show it. The next evening, guests began arriving hours before the event in sleek magic carpets and the all new aerodynamic bucket-seated two-humped camel. Haman, elated to be invited, came all decked out in his new Armani and flanked by an entourage of people bowing down to him -- sans Mordy Chai. Meanwhile, inside the palace Queen Esther was mingling with the many socialites, ambassadors, and other faceless royalty. Achashveirosh, curious to know the point of all this and wondering how to spell his name, went over to Esther and asked her the reason for this party. She informed him that someone was trying to terminate part of the population. Achashveirosh, who had no idea what was transpiring in his country, was clueless as to who could have conceived of such a clever plan. He immediately e-mailed a question to Esther: "Who would do such a thing?" Queen Esther had the answer to the question sealed in a larger-than-necessary envelope and guarded by the accounting firm of Hagai and Charvona. After a commercial break and brief drumroll, the envelope was ripped open. "It is Haman!" shouted out the celebrity announcer. The audience gasped in disbelief as Haman was escorted to center stage. "I don't deserve this," exclaimed a shocked Haman. "Seriously, I don't." Haman's 15 minutes of fame were short-lived as he was immediately escorted backstage. Using taxpayers money, he was then brought to a penitentiary in Texas, where he would remain on Death Row, forced to listen to an all Country music radio station until his eventual demise. Achashveirosh declared that everything Haman owned would become Mordy Chai's, including his palatial estate in the Bahamas, his Grateful Dead CD collection (and the signed Jerry Garcia t-shirt), his pentium laptop and 28.8 baud modem, his entire Saks Fifth Avenue collection of triangular hats, and a lifetime supply of Spam. And so it was with these riches that the Jewish people prospered and began the honored tradition of publishing humorous articles on Purim.
diva katan Champion Author Dallas Posts:22,325 Points:3,186,155 Joined:Jun 2004	Message Posted: Jan 1, 2006 12:43:24 AM Ignore diva katan Report Abuse Between the full boxes and partially used from years past, we had 8 boxes at home. We got out almost every Chanukiah in the houseand are lighting them every night. Our lights truly are burning brightly this season.
jrj-mama Champion Author Denver Posts:17,489 Points:2,690,175 Joined:Apr 2004	Message Posted: Dec 30, 2005 5:02:37 PM Ignore jrj-mama Report Abuse Todah Rabba mrjames. I greatly appreciate the offer of sending as well as the how to suggestions. I finally got lucky at the clearance rack of a Linen's N Things the following afternoon and then found my luck doubled at the register when they were down to 1/2 price. Huzzah! Next year I'll buy another box early whether I think I'll need them or not. Happy Chanukka!
mrjames1818 Champion Author New Jersey Posts:1,530 Points:1,995,170 Joined:Mar 2004	Message Posted: Dec 30, 2005 2:22:04 PM Ignore mrjames1818 Report Abuse jrj-mama.....That's incredible (and not funny)! Had you posted earlier I would have been happy to mail a few boxes. A suggestion - some of the larger menorahs will accept the shabbos size candles. You can make your own menorah with 2 blocks of wood (find a nut that will hold the shabbos candles with a small twist, they will hold the candles firmly - glue the nuts to the wood with a penny/nickel underneath them to insulate the candle from the wood base). Any candle that will burn for a 30 minute minimum will work if it fits your menorah. Have a healthy and happy celebration - let's always keep the lights and the spirit burning brightly.
jrj-mama Champion Author Denver Posts:17,489 Points:2,690,175 Joined:Apr 2004	Message Posted: Dec 29, 2005 12:17:25 AM Ignore jrj-mama Report Abuse The greater Denver metro area is OUT OF CHANUKKA CANDLES and it's only the fourth night!!! AAAARRRGH!! I thought I had enough leftovers from last year's two boxes, but alas.....phooey! Thank heaven for my daughter's battery operated "Manny Menorah"
mrjames1818 Champion Author New Jersey Posts:1,530 Points:1,995,170 Joined:Mar 2004	Message Posted: Oct 3, 2005 9:56:39 AM Ignore mrjames1818 Report Abuse L'Shannah Tova Tikaseivu to everyone (these may take a minute or two to load-be patient) http://www.danmeth.com/shofaridol.htm http://shabot6000.com/tekiah/ http://www.jewishimpactfilms.com/films.asp?film_id=1&action=play&filetype=wmv&filename=http://128.241.62.79/video/shofar_small.wmv Wishing everyone a Healthy, Happy, Prosperous and Sweet Year. [Edited by: mrjames1818 at 10/3/2005 9:58:12 AM EST]
jrj-mama Champion Author Denver Posts:17,489 Points:2,690,175 Joined:Apr 2004	Message Posted: Aug 15, 2005 12:48:25 PM Ignore jrj-mama Report Abuse Six elderly, retired Floridians, play high stakes poker in the condo clubhouse. A member of the group, Meierwitz, loses $5000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, not to make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name....leave it to me" Goldberg goes over to the Meierwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $5000 playing poker, and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Goldberg. [Edited by: jrj-mama at 8/15/2005 12:48:45 PM EST]
jrj-mama Champion Author Denver Posts:17,489 Points:2,690,175 Joined:Apr 2004	Message Posted: Aug 8, 2005 1:54:58 PM Ignore jrj-mama Report Abuse Good One!
mrjames1818 Champion Author New Jersey Posts:1,530 Points:1,995,170 Joined:Mar 2004	Message Posted: Aug 8, 2005 12:11:49 PM Ignore mrjames1818 Report Abuse HOLIDAY STAMPS A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards. She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Hanukkah stamps, please?” The clerk says, “What denomination?” The woman says, “Oh my G-d. Has it come to this? OK, then, give me 8 Orthodox, 14 Conservative, 18 Reform, 4 Reconstructionist and the rest Renewal.”
Wahya All-Star Author Michigan Posts:909 Points:484,545 Joined:Jun 2004	Message Posted: Jun 8, 2005 8:38:35 AM Ignore Wahya Report Abuse ba ha ha ha!!! thanks for the pick-me-up!
jrj-mama Champion Author Denver Posts:17,489 Points:2,690,175 Joined:Apr 2004	Message Posted: Jun 6, 2005 3:16:21 PM Ignore jrj-mama Report Abuse Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him. The other one - the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite." The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
jrj-mama Champion Author Denver Posts:17,489 Points:2,690,175 Joined:Apr 2004	Message Posted: Jun 3, 2005 4:50:25 PM Ignore jrj-mama Report Abuse One Rosh Hashanah morning, the Rabbi noticed little Adam was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Adam." "Good morning, Rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Rabbi Resnick, what is this?" Adam asked. "Well, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Adam's voice was barely audible when he asked: "Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur service?
jrj-mama Champion Author Denver Posts:17,489 Points:2,690,175 Joined:Apr 2004	Message Posted: Jun 2, 2005 5:50:12 PM Ignore jrj-mama Report Abuse A man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and hides in a cave. He is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave, and now the man is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed - also praying. The man thinks to himself "how lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear! We're mishpocheh - I'm saved!" He then listens more carefully to the bear's prayer: "...hamotzi lechem min haaretz."
mrjames1818 Champion Author New Jersey Posts:1,530 Points:1,995,170 Joined:Mar 2004	Message Posted: Jun 2, 2005 4:37:43 PM Ignore mrjames1818 Report Abuse And for those of still recuperating from April 15 Deductions for Donations An I.R.S inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered a seat. "Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr. Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $50,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?" The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will."
mrjames1818 Champion Author New Jersey Posts:1,530 Points:1,995,170 Joined:Mar 2004	Message Posted: Jun 2, 2005 4:31:57 PM Ignore mrjames1818 Report Abuse For a punning diva Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet? A: "Modem anachnu lach..." [Edited by: mrjames1818 at 6/2/2005 4:29:14 PM EST]
diva katan Champion Author Dallas Posts:22,325 Points:3,186,155 Joined:Jun 2004	Message Posted: Jun 1, 2005 9:59:20 PM Ignore diva katan Report Abuse Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married? A. Ruth-less. Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. Did you know it's wrong for a woman to make coffee? Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"
diva katan Champion Author Dallas Posts:22,325 Points:3,186,155 Joined:Jun 2004	Message Posted: May 31, 2005 11:29:25 PM Ignore diva katan Report Abuse This is not related to a holiday, but it made me laugh: After the passing of Pope John Paul II, the Cardinals had the duty to go through the late Pope's personal effects. One of the Cardinals noted that there had once been an inscription on the inside of the Pope's skull cap. The inscription was obviously very old and much obscured from wear and the passage of time. Curious, the Cardinals sent the skull cap for study at the Vatican's antiquities department. Experts applied themselves to the task utilizing the latest in computer technology and encryption analysis. They found that the inscription was in the ancient Hebrew language and after much work, they cracked the code and translated the text. The results were handed to the perplexed Cardinal who read: "Benny & Malka's Wedding October 18, 1937 Krakow, Poland"
jrj-mama Champion Author Denver Posts:17,489 Points:2,690,175 Joined:Apr 2004	Message Posted: May 31, 2005 1:56:46 PM Ignore jrj-mama Report Abuse The holiday portion of this one isn't until the end, but the story is great. ------------ Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets. His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie into his office. "Bernie," the president said, "the President of Israel wants to commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter for his country. You have our approval--go out and design him the best jet fighter ever made." Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank G-d.) Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off again. Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his Schul to pray...to ask G-d where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi. After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his arm on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off." Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And...it worked!! The next test flight went perfectly! Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the Schul to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would." "But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?" "Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzoh broken on the perforation.
diva katan Champion Author Dallas Posts:22,325 Points:3,186,155 Joined:Jun 2004	Message Posted: May 31, 2005 1:39:33 PM Ignore diva katan Report Abuse Very humorous (and very accurate!) Thank you.
mrjames1818 Champion Author New Jersey Posts:1,530 Points:1,995,170 Joined:Mar 2004	Message Posted: May 31, 2005 1:17:58 PM Ignore mrjames1818 Report Abuse A friend (a chef) sent this to me - A different view of the holidays. Jewish Holiday Calendar - Gastronomical View Rosh Hashanah -- Feast. Tzom Gedalia -- Fast. Yom Kippur -- More fasting. Sukkot -- Feast. Hoshanah Rabbah -- More feasting. Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting. Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself. Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes. Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes. Tu B'Shevat -- Feast. Fast of Esther -- Fast. Purim -- Eat pastry. Passover -- Do not eat pastry. ShAvuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.) Seventeenth of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes). Nine days of Av -- Don't eat meat. Might be OK to eat cheesecake or blintzes. Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes). Month of Elul -- End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again. [Edited by: mrjames1818 at 5/31/2005 1:17:19 PM EST]
mrjames1818 Champion Author New Jersey Posts:1,530 Points:1,995,170 Joined:Mar 2004	Message Posted: May 31, 2005 12:53:56 PM Ignore mrjames1818 Report Abuse Couldn't think of any good Shavuot jokes just: The Commandments This is a little known tale of how G-D came to give us the Ten Commandments. G-D first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. "What's a commandment," they asked. "Well, it's like "THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY" replied G-D. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends." So then G-D went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said G-D, "it's like, 'THOU SHALT NOT STEAL' " . The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy." So finally G-D went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?" G-D said, "They're free." The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN."
diva katan Champion Author Dallas Posts:22,325 Points:3,186,155 Joined:Jun 2004	Message Posted: May 29, 2005 9:42:10 AM Ignore diva katan Report Abuse Is there any humor associated with Shavuot?
jrj-mama Champion Author Denver Posts:17,489 Points:2,690,175 Joined:Apr 2004	Message Posted: May 4, 2005 6:15:36 PM Ignore jrj-mama Report Abuse LOVED IT! thanks mrjames1818!
mrjames1818 Champion Author New Jersey Posts:1,530 Points:1,995,170 Joined:Mar 2004	Message Posted: May 4, 2005 12:54:07 PM Ignore mrjames1818 Report Abuse Green Eggs and Ham A new ending, especially for Jewish children, to the Dr. Seuss book Green Eggs and Ham: Ham and Eggs, I'll Never see, They are not KOSHER, So let me be! I will not eat green eggs and ham. I will not eat them, Sam-I-am. But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit. Or I will try them with some brisket. I'll eat green eggs in a box. If you serve them with some lox. And those green eggs are worth a try Scrambled up in matzoh brie! And in a boat upon the river, I'll eat green eggs with chopped liver! So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan, But troubled by green eggs and ham, Let your friends in on the scoop: Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!
jrj-mama Champion Author Denver Posts:17,489 Points:2,690,175 Joined:Apr 2004	Message Posted: Apr 25, 2005 12:48:50 PM Ignore jrj-mama Report Abuse The Kosher L'Pesach Top 10 Top Ten Ways To Know the Guy your daughter brought home for the Passover Seder isn't gonna work out ... text deleted 10. Hides the afikomen in his pants 9. Won't stop asking when the Latkas are going to be served 8. When welcoming Elijah he checks the chimney 7. After fourth time calling your wife "Ma' Nishtana" still hopes to get a laugh 6. In return for the Afikomen, he asks to see your Tax Returns 5. To comply with the Hagadah, he punches the person who reads the "Wicked Son" in the mouth 4. You are at the third cup of wine, he's on number 9 3. After the afikomen is stolen, he starts pocketing silverware 2. When everyone points to the Marror, he points directly at you 1. As a gift, he brings fresh baked Challah
mrjames1818 Champion Author New Jersey Posts:1,530 Points:1,995,170 Joined:Mar 2004	Message Posted: Apr 22, 2005 10:25:34 AM Ignore mrjames1818 Report Abuse This one is called - HOW TO GET THE KIDS HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up." "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?" "It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain." "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?" "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow." "Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there." "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore." A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there." Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."
mrjames1818 Champion Author New Jersey Posts:1,530 Points:1,995,170 Joined:Mar 2004	Message Posted: Apr 22, 2005 10:18:07 AM Ignore mrjames1818 Report Abuse Not holiday related - but clever. AND IT CAME TO PASS In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a Comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been cAlled Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were severAl saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in All the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sAle and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sAle can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold All the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were cAlled Nomadic EcclesiasticAl Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the reAl riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum Company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it All began, It wasn't Al Gore after All.